11 Tips to Help Fathers Raise Porn-Free Sons

Let's face it, we live in a different world than when we grew up. Our kids are facing temptations we feared but often never had to face. Now teens and pre-teens are regularly caught drinking and doing drugs. Video games are now so violent and porn-riddled that ratings have been invented. And unlimited Porn is free and available in the privacy of our computers and even easily accessible on our phones. Plus many women-young and old, are now creating "living porn"  with their increasingly accepted immodest dress and behavior. It is a sinful epidemic and so addictive that few can ever break free without heavy counseling.

So how can we as fathers hope to counter Satan's attack and keep our son's pure? Below are a few tips to prepare our sons to fight this war.

1. Talk about it frequently with them. Make it an easy subject to discuss together, then they'll be more likely to come to you when they are exposed to it.
2. Teach and show by your example that you honor women. Be a gentleman. Seek to uplift and ease the burdens of women. Never reduce a woman to solely her looks, but recognize personality, athletic ability and scholarly achievement. 
3. Live as an example of purity in entertainment. Not only that, but speak with them. Teach them why you have decided not to watch certain movies or participate in certain events.
4. Teach them not to pick fights with Satan. When I was young I was picked on by bullies. My father told me to "never pick a fight, but when someone else starts the fight, then win." The same applies to fights with satan. Don't ever put yourself in a place where he has power, where you know you will be tempted. Like a bar or bad party or alone with the internet, that is like picking a fight with Satan. When we come to him, he often wins. When you put your foot even one step into his side, he has power over you and your chances of winning are greatly reduced. However, there are promises of strength when you choose the right and the temptations come. These are the battles you can win.
5. Beware of smart phones. With how easy it is to access porn on smartphones, if a young man seeks it out--even once on his phone, he is addicted. If your kids must have smart phones (and there better be a really good reason), then install filters, parent controls, and make sure they are charging in your room at night. Evaluate with them frequently on their time wasted and what they do with their phone. 
6. Know their friends and make sure their friends know you. I know a mother who stood at the door to her home and told a group of immodestly dressed girls that "No, my son won't be coming to play with you," after looking them up and down to make sure they knew why. I know of another mother who told a boy's friend that she would break his phone in a million pieces if the friend ever showed porn to the boy again. She later explained to the friend the power they had for good or evil right there in their hand.
7. Hold counsel times where you talk (and more importantly, where you listen to them) freely and help them evaluate where they are and where they're going.
8. Spend time with them. Become a positive and important part of their lives.
9. Work every day to improve your relationship with your wife. Show what true love and respect are by your relationship with your wife.
10. Strengthen them when they come to you having seen porn. Teach them about forgiveness. Teach them that Christ's Grace is available for them--not only for forgiveness, but also for strength to avoid it in the future.
11. Pray. Pray with them. Pray for them. God is your greatest and most powerful ally. 
    

11 Tips for raising Modest Daughters

In this age of relaxed standards of dress (or just plain rebellious dressing), much of which has been termed as "living porn", I worry about my daughter and the pressures she will face just to fit in with the societal norms. Boys get more and more used to seeing more and more skin (especially with the porn epidemic we are in right now), so, many young women feel like they have to cover less and less of their body just to get the boys' attention. Others dress in tight, skimpy or revealing clothing as a way of expressing themselves (which is another way of getting attention).

One thing I have learned is that it takes parents who are not afraid to speak to their daughters and risk offending them in order to teach morals and standards. 

Here are a few tips I have learned to help my daughter dress appropriately and understand her true worth:

1. Start early. It's easier to raise a modest daughter than convert one. Even as a toddler, refrain from dressing her in sun dresses and two-piece swimsuits and the like. It is true that a 1 year old in a sundress is not immodest, but at what age is it? And where do you draw the line? In truth, whatever she gets used to as a child will be what she'll be comfortable wearing as a teen. 
2. Be an Example. Don't expect your daughter to follow a dress code that you do not follow.
3. Teach her the sanctity of her body and to respect it and value it and keep it pure. Talk with her about the importance of modesty as a way to first honor God, then herself, and also others.
4. Dads: Speak up! When she tries on something that draws undue attention to her body, speak up and ask her to change. I know of a father who often threw his daughter's clothes in the trash if they didn't meet his expectations. He also wasn't afraid to tell her to "Go put some clothes on." And yes, you fathers have a lot of influence in this area. You know what clothes will draw undue attention to certain areas of her body. Given today's styles, often our young women need to wear a shirt underneath a vest or tank-top type shirt. If the undershirt isn't worn, then don't be afraid to throw the immodest one out. Speak up, you're her father!
5. Moms: Speak up! (And listen to your husband) Often you are the ones who buy the clothes with your daughter. Use this time to teach the importance of modesty and help her find modest solutions. Way too many mothers call an outfit "cute" that really should be defined as sexy. Be the voice of reason, speak up! You're not her girlfriend, you're her mother!
6. Emphasize and praise her schoolwork, her athletic ability, her true beauty and her goodness. Show her she has worth as a daughter of God.
7. Know all her friends and make sure they know you. Help her choose good examples.
8. Beware of sports and dance groups and theatrics. Often an exception to the rule of modesty is used for these groups. For some reason we think that girls have to wear skimpy, tight or revealing clothes to play sports, but boys are fine in knee-length shorts and t-shirts (for example, look at the super-short-skin-tight-leave-nothing-to-the-imagination shorts that girls wear for volleyball, or the skirts for girls tennis). Cheerleading is based on the attention their bodies can get (Don't believe me? Why do they wear short skirts and lift their legs and turn upsidedown a lot, if not to give boys the hope that somehow they will catch sight of underwear. Why do they have shirts that don't cover their belly, then do a lot of raising their arms and back bends  and other things that raise the shirt even higher, if not to make the boys crazy with hope that they'll catch a sight of the girl's chest. All of these moves can be done in t-shirts tucked into warmup pants, so why don't they?). Many ballet, ballroom, hip-hop, drill team and other groups unfortunately don't think as much about modesty as they should either. And many girls have worn their first immodest clothing in public, on a stage for a play. Speak up to their coaches/directors about modesty and encourage a change. Work with the other parents and the girls themselves. Or teach your daughter to have the self-worth to leave. 
9. Emphasize the words: beauty, pretty, clean and sharp. Stay away from the terms: Hot, sexy and alluring. Sexy means someone is sexually attracted to her, which isn't a focus I want boys to have when they first see my daughter. 
10. Parents: work every day to improve your relationship with each other and your daughter. Show her what true relationships are founded on: trust, respect, love and selflessness. She will learn and see what she wants in a boy based on how her parents interact and love each other.
11. Pray. Pray for them. Pray with them. Let them know their Heavenly Father is interested in what they do, and that He loves them.

The Great Family Media Choice Irony

Is anyone else concerned with the fact that many families, and especially parents, think they are immune to the effects of spiritually corrosive media. I hear families, parents and teens talk about their desire to see this movie, or play that game, and I cringe, knowing that many of those movies and games morally negate the principles they learn and even teach in church.

Many reasons are given, it’s just entertainment, I close my eyes in the bad parts, there are only a few bad parts-and they’re really not that bad. I’m old enough to not be influenced by it. They only kill zombies, which don't really exist anyway. I even hear many say, “It doesn’t have any sex in it, only language, or only violence—but it is the 'good-guy taking down the bad-guy' type of violence, not senseless violence.” (I’ve even been known to say such things.)

Some even share these entertainments with their children. Others say, “no way, they aren’t old enough for that.”

Think about that for a minute. So we protect our children from spiritually corrosive influences because they are violent, sexual or have bad language. We believe in our hearts that in order to keep our children pure and unstained from the world we must keep such things from their lives. We believe the violence, sex and language affect their personality and perceived belief of how to act and respond in the world. We believe it affects their spirit.

I would ask, why is it different for adults? Why is it we think that as we get older we can be surrounded and even invite such influences into our lives without any negative effect on our spirit? The truth is that every influence in our lives adds to and builds our character and personality. Every choice we make either strengthens or weakens our closeness to the spirit. You can’t check your testimony at the door of the movie house, or the redbox or couch, and expect it to be the same when you pick it up again. If you congratulate yourself for watching only a kind of bad movie, instead of a really bad one, then you're missing the Mark.

If it’s not good enough for our kids, then maybe it isn’t good enough for us, too. Just think of all the free time you'll have!

Agency

                We are taught from an early age the importance of agency, and its role in the plan of salvation. Agency is the freedom to choose. We talk about that freedom often, and encourage our kids to choose the right, but do we teach the other half of agency? We are free to choose our actions, but we’re not free to choose our consequences.

                Sadly, I’ve seen many parents who choose to protect their kids from the consequences of their actions. They push the blame of their child’s bad behavior or academic performance on anyone but their child. If their kid is failing math, it’s because the teacher is a terrible teacher.  If they act out, it’s because they need to express themselves and the teacher is too controlling. If they get caught speeding or drinking or other infractions with the law, it is their friends fault, or worse, the cop is targeting their kid and should leave them alone.

                I guess what I’m saying is that our kids need to feel the consequences of their actions. When we protect them from consequences, we’re raising children without guilt and remorse. We’re teaching them that they are above everyone else, and that arguing can get you out of everything.

It is ok to let your child fail and experience hard times. Pain and suffering are part of this life and if we protect them from the consequences of their actions, they never learn to correct their actions. They never learn true agency and responsibility for their actions.

As with many things, this must start with you. Your example speaks louder than words. If your kids see you argue about blame or guilt (try to get out of a ticket, push blame away, even put others down to lesson your ‘crimes’), they’ll learn it’s ok.

Have the strength and humility to say, “I’m sorry.” Admit weakness and guilt. It doesn’t weaken your kids view of you, it strengthens it. If they know mom and dad aren’t perfect, but are trying to improve, they’ll believe they can too.